“We Won’t Be That Couple”: The Reality of Finances in Marriage
“We won’t be that couple.” It’s a line many couples confidently say right after picking a honeymoon spot and naming the dog. While nearly 9 in 10 say they communicate well about money, more than a quarter feel left out of financial decisions, and almost half still argue about money.
Why the disconnect? Money isn’t a romantic topic; instead, it’s one that’s fraught with emotion, past experiences, and sometimes shame. Debt. Disparities. Differing habits. Moving beyond these challenges, achieving financial harmony is critical to a thriving relationship.
I was recently featured on Fox 5 in Washington, D.C., discussing finances before marriage and shared seven tips to help you and your partner stay on the same page, financially and emotionally.
#1 Talk money with your honey
The first step? Just start early and often. Set aside regular “money dates” — once a month, over wine or pancakes — and get curious about each other’s financial histories, goals, and values. What did money feel like growing up? What’s one financial milestone you’re proud of?
At Brighton Jones, we talk often about aligning your resources with what matters most to you. That alignment starts with knowing each other deeply, beyond account balances and budgets. When money is grounded in meaning, the conversations shift from transactional to transformational.
#2 Identify differences, then find the middle ground
Debt is often the biggest elephant in the room for many couples. One partner may view credit cards as a helpful tool, while the other may see them as a danger zone. One client told us her mother taught her to avoid debt at all costs, while her husband, a finance pro, saw strategic debt as a tool to grow assets. It caused friction — until they realized they were speaking different emotional languages when it came to money.
Talking through these differences doesn’t mean you need to agree on everything; it means you’re building empathy, understanding, and a shared path forward.
#3 Have a plan — and revisit it often
Your financial life deserves structure, not guesswork. Create a shared plan that focuses on key areas, including spending, savings, retirement contributions, and debt management. Keep it flexible enough to evolve but grounded enough to guide decisions.
One couple recently shared how they left a financial planning meeting with two different takeaways. One thought was, “We need to cut back,” while the other thought was, “We’re doing great!” Their solution? More frequent check-ins — together and with their advisor — to calibrate and stay on course.
#4 Decide on the logistics: joint or separate?
Should you combine accounts? Split bills evenly? Give each other “fun money” allowances? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but this concept deserves attention and a starting point in your relationship. The key is clarity and agreement. Who pays what? Who’s in charge of which bills? What are your rules around big purchases?
One newlywed couple in NYC came to us after tensions escalated about who was saving and who wasn’t. It turned out that they had never discussed money management in depth before getting married. Setting expectations — early and often — can prevent friction and foster trust.
#5 Understand your risk tolerance
You may be the type to swing for the fences while your partner clings to financial stability. That’s not a dealbreaker, it’s an opportunity for balance. Take time to discuss your comfort with risk, both in your investments and in life. What does financial security feel like to each of you?
#6 Think beyond today
Your future includes more than just vacation savings and retirement. Consider insurance, estate planning, and legacy conversations. Who will be responsible for what if something unexpected happens? Have you discussed a prenuptial agreement, and if it makes sense for you? These topics may feel heavy, but they’re part of truly caring for each other.
#7 Bring in a neutral third-party
Having a financial planning partner can be a game-changer. Think of them as your relationship’s CFO — someone there to facilitate healthy decisions, keep you both aligned, and help you grow with purpose, not just as individuals but as a team.
Financial harmony doesn’t happen automatically, but it is absolutely within reach. With intentional conversations and aligned resources, you can build a life that’s not only financially strong but truly meaningful.
This content is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be construed as individualized advice. For individualized advice tailored to your specific circumstances, please consult with your adviser.
Reference
1 https://preview.thenewsmarket.com/Previews/FINP/DocumentAssets/660835_v4.pdf
